Pardonnez-moi

It has never been much of a secret to people, or to myself, that I can be quite brutal when stating facts. Sometimes, I'm just too impatient to find ways to skirt around hurtful words and just bluntly say things that pop into my head. In short, I'm usually tactless. Other times, I'm just plain careless. But contrary to what most people probably think of me, I don't like nudging people's sensibilities. I don't like stepping on other people's toes either. And this might be a hard concept to grasp, but some people do know how to make up their own minds... and stand by them--come hell or high water. And I am one of them. I don't know why?! But with every set of friends I make, this concept seems to be quite hard for them to swallow. Why?! I just want to dodge those seemingly inescapable monikers "bitch" or "ice queen" for a change. Is that so hard to comprehend?! Yes, I know. Some people find it irresistible to goad me because I'm a pretty reactive person. I blow up at the slightest provocation. I could understand that. But can people just please stop forcing my hand that I end up hurting others? It's quite heavy on the soul, you know?! So please, at least, spare me sometimes... from your seemingly well-meaning but really annoying misconceptions of "happiness".

For the umpteenth time, I am not a sad sad person. You might think that in order for me to be truly happy, I have to be with "someone". But I have never thought that. I've never thought there was something lacking in my life... not even when I was a couch potato and "broke-r" than that street person you just saw this morning rummaging the garbage bin for food. Call me shallow... but the minutest thing could make my day. Darn, even just a cup of cheap and awful-tasting coffee can make my day (especially if I haven't had coffee for a couple of days)... even a single piece of pink yarn that made me remember of a bootie I once knitted for a friend's baby could make me smile... even sneezing non-stop after discovering some dusty old books from a long forgotten friend could lift the dark clouds around my head... even a pixie of an ice cream I shared with a good friend once could make me grin for an entire week! Call me shallow, I just find it easy to be happy most of the time. And you may not find me literally jumping up and down for joy every day... but believe me when I tell you that "Melancholia" has never gripped my heart for long... because I have a lot in my life to be thankful for already... and I recognize and celebrate them in my heart every single day.

To make things short, I know what makes me happy better than anyone else does. So please don't presume to know me better than I know myself. (How else should I put it that would convince people to leave me alone in that area? I have no idea!)

Now I'm afraid I may have hurt someone. I really didn't mean to. I just felt I had to... or I would've hurt him more in the long run. 

So don't worry about my "lack" of happiness, dear friend. Worry about yours. Maybe you're just thinking I'm unhappy because you don't realize that it's actually your life you're looking at... and not mine. Not angry. Just offering some food for thought, 's all.

I'm rambling.

Pardon.

I should just tell myself to breathe... grin... and bear it. *sigh*